I take my responsibilities as an uncle seriously, but I’m not sure exactly what they are. I’ve the idea that I’m meant to pass on some important life skills, such as tying knots and wrasslin’ alligators, but I need a bit more detail, and now young AnotherMouthToFeed is nearly old enough to answer back it’s high time I found out what’s required.

There don’t seem to be any books on Uncling Skills out there, but in any case I tend to prefer the collective wisdom of the Internet these days. So I just Googled “my uncle taught me” - here’s what the first page had to tell me:

My uncle taught me to write and I taught the two younger ones to read and write… It was a long and difficult task as neither of them was keen on learning. …
www.spartacus.schoolnet.co.uk/Wmitchell.htm - 19k - Cached - Similar pages

It was about… no, it was after ten years of training my uncle taught me the most secret kata of Matsumura Seito shorin-ryu, the hakutsuru (white crane) …
www.karate.org.yu/articles/soken_interview.htm - 16k - Cached - Similar pages

My Uncle taught me a lot, not just about the basic techniques of sailing, but also about the right attitude towards taking up sports, about determination, …
www.sailing.org/default.asp?PID=14773 - 15k - Cached - Similar pages

My uncle taught me much about business and now I have my own sushi bar and my own family to support. It brings me so much dismay to watch Americans cringe …
www.marisabaggett.com/2005/11/history-of-sushi-part-iv.html - 18k - Cached - Similar pages

My uncle taught me how to communicate using talking drums, and I can spell my name through drumbeats. I try to keep busy. I don’t want to become a thief and …
news.bbc.co.uk/cbbcnews/hi/newsid_4210000/newsid_4213600/4213605.stm - 19k - Cached - Similar pages

My aunt taught me how to cook crack, my uncle taught me how to sell it, and my brothers taught me how to handle guns. Those are all things that I have …
www.thebeatwithin.org/news/view_category.html?page=4&first=30&last=39&category_id=288 - 27k - Cached - Similar pages

My uncle taught me ways that will help me to grow taller. He has lots of patients on growth problem. And ALL of his patients, like I did, …
www.e-igrewtaller.com/ - 17k - Cached - Similar pages

My uncle taught me that fixing your own tire – literally and figuratively – is an indispensable part of being your own person. …
ginevra.typepad.com/njudah/2004/09/hi_family_.html - 29k - Cached - Similar pages

All useful stuff, and it goes on for page after page, with for some reason a strong emphasis on poker skills. Plenty to think about, anyway. Thanks, the Internet!

… something ”borrowed” from a warehouse full of unliquidated stock?

Yes, nothing quite celebrates the collective dignity of womankind like a mob of baying brides breaking into a warehouse to knock off their own wedding dresses. Last week Cork boutique The Wedding Dress Ltd. went into liquidation, and lo! it was a great opportunity for everyone to have a snigger at photos of women blubbing and panicking outside its locked doors, their special day now in the lap of the liquidators.  

But it looks like the crazy bitches will have the last laugh. In what surely will be a contender for the second happiest day of their lives, they stormed the warehouse storing the dresses and reduced the boutique’s solicitor to what I imagine was a hoarsely croaked, abject appeal:

There was a bit of mayhem on Thursday and over 25 dresses were sequestered by people who should not have them. We got some of them back and we are appealing to people who have wedding dresses which are clearly not their wedding dresses: would they for God’s sake return them.  

 

http://nostware.com/

My hatred for Dreamweaver will whack you in the face like an angry kitten when you look at the page of my (I’m pretty sure) defunct band:
http://www.bringdown.net/holt.htm

From the front of today’s Irish Times:

Two Chinese policemen are due to attend tonight’s performance of The Playboy of the Western World in Beijing after a complaint about the short mini-skirt worn by one of the actors.

A woman complained about glimpses of knickers and cleavage after seeing the play which is running at the Beijing Oriental Theatre. Wang Zhaohui, one of the show’s producers, said the arts and culture bureau had approved the Chinese version of the play.

This new film Shining looks swell. Thanks to Mr D for the link.

Said loudly, “Come on…it’s so simple, an Indian could do it.”
The confused embarrassment of sitting in a crowded hotel restaurant, knowing that this is an acceptable sentiment here.

More at the BBC.

The Apprentice really is tons of fun. My favourite bit from last night’s episode was during the bollocking ‘Sir Alan’ was giving some hapless City Boy for mistakenly ordering five hundred chickens for toppings for ninety pizzas:

Sir Alan: I hold you one hundred per cent responsible.
City Boy: But I gave one hundred and fifty per cent!

Sarajevo Survival Map 92-96 is the ultimate visual document, a Topography of Life and Death. It is the only Map in the world that has made a visual reference to the tragedy of a besieged European city at the end of 20th century. Representing a successful combination of it’s hand-drawn illustration quality, topographic precision, text legends and true portray of the siege elements, such are; number and types of guns surrounding the city, the anti-sniper protection barricades, water sources, a secret underground tunnel, survival gardens, sniping zones and other key strategic urban elements. Serving as a document on the Historical level, an event of true value on a Cultural level, and on a Political level a powerful lesson for all of us.

I think this is an amazing piece of work - comprehensive and informative, but also very dramatic and quite disturbing in its detail and slightly child-like quality. And each landmark has its own story:

THE TUNNEL

The Dobrinja-Butmir tunnel, a hole some 1.2 meters wide, 1.6 meters high and 760 meters long, is situated under the Sarajevo airport runway. In the official communication between local politicians and UNPROFOR this public secret has been referred to as “the non-existent tunnel”. Foreigners were not allowed into the tunnel and journalists were offering up to 5.000 DM for just one shot of the tunnel.

Although the tunnel was a military object and intended solely for the army’s getting in and out of town, the privilege of using it was extended to the American ambassador to Bosnia and Herzegovina, Viktor Jakovic, who the aggressor did not allow to leave the city by plane. The tunnel was also used to get the members of Parliament from other towns into the city. Many of them were easily recognized during the sessions of Parliament because they had bruises on their foreheads from hitting the iron support bars within the tunnel. Some comfort was extended to the most respected politicians who were pushed through the tunnel in small wagons.

The commercialization of the tunnel brought about great changes in the economic life of the city. The tunnel became a place full of people dragging bags with potatoes o eggs. Many tradesmen were allowed to “rent” the tunnel from the army. Thanks to the tunnel many became rich, but the prices also fell within the city.

The aggressor also knew about the secret tunnel and by continuously shelling its entrance it hampered its usage. They even tried to dig another tunnel of the other side of the airport in order to redirect the Zeljeznica river and flood the tunnel.

In spite of everything the hole under the airport became the greatest public good of the city and its only link with the rest of the world. If one managed to get a permit to go through the tunnel he or she would be greeted at the exit by a marker-written sign: PARIS 3765km.

The map was created by FAMA, a Sarajevo-based media and publishing group.

Link from Cartography.

I know we really shouldn’t encourage these people, but I’m drawn with a horrible fascination to the new film of V for Vendetta - a sanitised, kid-friendly dystopia set to a pounding rock score is just what the world needs now, after all. Alan Moore doesn’t seem keen, though:

“I’ve read the screenplay,” Mr. Moore said. “It’s rubbish.”

But then he would say that. He seems to be pretty bitter about how he thinks he’s been treated by first the comics and now the movie industry, and sounds like a bit of a nightmare to deal with. But I wouldn’t mind visiting his gaff:

Today, he resides in the sort of home that every gothic adolescent dreams of, one furnished with a library of rare books, antique gold-adorned wands and a painting of the mystical Enochian tables used by Dr. John Dee, the court astrologer of Queen Elizabeth I. He shuns comic-book conventions, never travels outside England and is a firm believer in magic as a “science of consciousness.” “I am what Harry Potter grew up into,” he said, “and it’s not a pretty sight.”

The Community At Large, which just won one of these things, is a big Irish group blog which anyone can join and post to with interesting links, news, funneh videos and the like, which they do with such frequency that you’ll never want to work again and the economy will collapse and before you know it we’ll all be eating moss, thank you very much Mr Internet.

Anyway, one of the million or so items of interest today is this amazing Flash game, Flow. Oh, and a link to Six Shooter, the Irish short film what just won an Oscar.

These four anti-war protesters have been up for various things for about two years, including dangerous driving while being tailed by the police.

Conveniently, after some of them requested evidence, tapes that were confiscated off them - and permission to get recordings resurrected from the erased tapes - and applications to higher courts, all the charges were dropped by the Gardaí, with no reason given except “want of prosecution”.

This came after a lot of court appearances, and the delays and constant monitoring of them just looks like Garda harrassment.

Anyway, this was one of the more memorable exchanges:

At approximately 14:50 Mr. Rice’’s mobile phone rang once and he instantly turned to his right and turned off the phone. As Mr. Rice turned off his phone he got off his seat and turned left to the aisle to leave the court room.

This drew the attention of Judge Mangan who shouted out to Mr. Rice
“Come back! Come back please�
and then
“Thank you thank you�.

When Mr. Rice turned around to Mr. Mangan the judge had his arm stretched out of his desk with hand open. There were several seconds of awkwardness as the judge seemed to be in suspended animation silenced by his anger. Everyone in court was waiting for the judge to say something or to give some direction to Mr. Rice. There were a few in court who let out a nervous laugh.

Mr. Rice who waited for the judge’s direction that never came asked the judge
“ Do you want me to throw it or what do you want me to do� This in turn raised a few nervous laughs.

The judge roared
“don’t get smart don’t get smart!� in return.

Then the Court Guard arrived on the scene and relieved Mr. Rice of his phone which was then handed to the court clerk who in turn handed it up to the bench to Judge Mangan. As this happened another phone rang and I heard some on to my rear left whispering
“ that’s his own phone�.

This was in fact the phone of Judge Mangan but the caller’s identity is still unknown, as there were several clerks, Gardaí and Solicitors with their hands under their benches.. Then Mr. Rice’’s phone rang again causing the judge to panic himself as he fumbled to turn it off. Failing to turn the phone off he handed it to a member of An Garda Siochána who then turned it off.

http://www.indymedia.ie/article/74769

This is profoundly moving in a hilarious kind of way. There’s something soothing about the ability to toss the leader of the free world around like a rag doll with a wave of the mouse.

Like vomiting on the carpet, suitdom eventually gets us all. This week I attended a conference in Dubai, travelled business class, stayed in a nice hotel, and had meetings with executives from large companies. The second day of the conference saw me don a suit and talk to Sony over a brief lunch about pushing some envelopes; maximising our horizons; offsetting costs, and so on. Never have I felt some much like a stooge. Perhaps also a goon. On the same day one of these executives presented me with a glass chess set, so that makes me a cheap Italian suit.

Now, for Dubai. That magical land. Where Kuwait is generally rather shabby, Dubai is put together really well. You still can’t walk anywhere, but those places you can’t walk to are amazing. There’s the series of ever-larger skyscrapers downtown; the largest mall in the world, complete with indoor ski-slope; there’s an underwater mall (affluent arabic society is quite mall-centric); a hotel that takes you to your room by boat (at which I dined on Springbok, next week: Chimp); the residential areas built out in the sea in the shape of a palm tree, or a world map, and a variety of other equally silly, but mightily impressive comforts. Despite the monumental architecture, it has the same sense of transience as Kuwait, nothing is particularly old, and the people are only passing through.

It does have booze though.

Snapped this kid on my mobile phone one morning last week. He was crying because he wanted to play his Nintendo DS PSP but his parents wanted him to walk to school and he was having trouble doing both at the same time.

Still, I’m told they’re great for hand-eye coordination.

(There’s probably something really wrong with taking grainy pictures of children without their permission and then posting them on the internet. I guess I’m about to find out what.)

It’s been a while since I dropped in on my old racist pals at Stormfront but I just felt I wasn’t angry enough this morning.

I particularly like War Maiden’s avatar, given her attitude to the attacks and the fact that she is the niece of the late Dublin criminal The General (true).
The papers went through a phase of hanging on everything these dicks said, but they’ve kind of copped on since that these dicks are just a bunch of (mostly, who knows?) unorganised dicks.

Actually, I’d like to amend that. Would you believe that they keep on getting invited on the FM104 phone show? Yes, so did I.

Ah, that’s better.

I reckon this means we will now have nuclear power even though we don’t have nuclear power

http://www.sbpost.ie/post/pages/p/story.aspx-qqqid=12398-qqqx=1.asp

1. OpenStreetMap poster
“What it shows: Data submitted to OpenStreetMap of people walking, driving and cycling around London. So the thicker the lines, the more people travelled them.”

2. Travel Time Tube Map
“Select a station to see the London Underground map reorganise around the times of travel from that station.”

3. Greenwich Emotion Map
“The project is set up as a series of participatory workshops that invite people to borrow a Bio Mapping device and go for a walk. The device measures the wearer’s Galvanic Skin Response (GSR), which is an indicator of emotional arousal in conjunction with their geographical location. The resulting maps encourage personal reflection on the complex relationship between us, our environment and our fellow citizens. By sharing this information we can construct maps that visualise where we as a community feel stressed and excited.”

Thanks to Tom Carden for the links (he’s also responsible for the first two maps).

This morning’s popbitch brought glad - perhaps the gladdest ever - tidings. MC Hammer has a blog. Allow me to quote from what I truly, sincerely hope is one of MC Hammer’s actual dreams.

I walked into the sheriff’s office and immediately all eyes were on me. The room went silent and you could hear a rat pissin’ on cotton. My dark chocolate skin and my bold jaw line complimented my broad nose and my full lips.

Uh-oh. One of those dreams.

I opened my mouth and simply said, “I’m here to apply for a job as an officer.” Reluctantly I was given an application and I quickly filled it out and returned it to the officer on duty.

Good - complying with the paperwork formalities. It’s an important but oft-overlooked part of police work. I’d say Hammer’s a shoo-in for this gig.

One week later I was a cadet at the sheriff’s camp.

Boo-ya!

I don’t know why they accepted me because it was clear from day one that they didn’t want me here. Nothing I did was right. They tried everything they could to make my life and drills a living hell and have me quit but they could not break me.

Too legit?

Then one morning we were out on the field for physical training drills. I knew I didn’t feel well but of course I had to act as if I was fine. Try as I may to keep up, the more drills we did the sicker I got. …  I was suddenly surrounded by my superiors. They began to berate me, brow beat me and push and shove on me. I can’t recall exactly how many it was because I was so sick. At that point that I could barely stand but I do know it was at least five men.

Uh…

Then to my chagrin I begin to feel excruciating pain in my kidneys and my spleen. The pain is coming from the soles of their boots as they continuously kick me closer into the arms of death. Suddenly I think it’s over as I’m picked up and held in the arms of a man whom I hoped one day to work along side as a partner and then he too punches me and I begin my descent towards the ground and into the arms of Jesus. In death I am hurting more than in life because this hold incident was recorded on video tape and people are watching me die over and over again and are denying the truth of what they are witnessing.

Yeah, I think I’m gonna just leave it there.

Weather stations and roadside stations once again recorded Birr, Co Offaly, as the coldest place in the country.

 

This is pretty cool news:

Ronan and Rob Burke’s IFTA nominated short film ‘Jellybaby’ has picked up the award for Best Comedy at the Golden Star Shorts Festival in Hollywood.

‘Jellybaby’ is a humorous story about a young couple driven demented by their newborn
terror. The film features some of Ireland’s rising acting talent including the IFTA nominated Tadhg Murphy and Katie Kirby.

Both directors attended the screening in Hollywood’s Egyptian Theatre where festival organisers had arranged meetings with LA studio executives. They received a large amount of interest for their planned feature film debut ‘Genius’, also written by ‘Jellybaby’ screenwriter Pierce Ryan.

Produced by John Wallace, ‘Jellybaby’ is looking forward to a successful international tour in March with the film traveling to the HBO US Comedy Arts Festival, World of Comedy Film Festival, the Florida Film Festival, Bermuda International Film Festival, Cinegael Montreal, The Chicago Irish Film festival and The Craic NY film festival. On the other side of the Atlantic it can be seen at the Kino in Manchester and The Celtic Film and Television Festival where has been nominated in the best short film category.

Congratulations to the lads. By my count, this is Ronan, Rob and Pierce’s second prize-winner after Smalltalk, and with Wally The Wexford Wizard closing the deals there’s no stopping them. Just so they don’t get too big-headed, I think I’ll start pestering them with unsolicited scripts, begging letters and requests for celebrity autographs.

Willie Nelson wrote this in 1981. Way ahead of its time. It’s now flying out of iTunes thanks to what one disgusted Dub in work called “The Faggih Cowboys”*.

I wonder if it’s on the soundtrack.

A D A
Well there’s many a strange impulse out on the plains of West Texas
E A E
There’s many a young boy who feels things he can’t comprehend
A D A
And a small town don’t like it when somebody falls between sexes
E A
No, small town don’t like it when a cowboy has feelings for men

Well I believe to my soul that inside every man there’s a feminine
And inside every lady there’s a deep manly voice loud and clear
Well, a cowboy may brag about things that he’s done with his women
But the ones who brag loudest are the ones that are most likely queer

Chorus:
D A
Cowboys are frequently secretly fond of each other
E A
Say what do you think those all saddles and boots was about
D A
And there’s many a cowboy who don’t understand the way that he feels for his brother
E A
And inside every cowboy there’s a lady who’d love to slip out

Solo by Willie!

Well there’s always somebody who says what the others just whisper
And mostly that someone’s the first one to get shot down dead
So when you talk to a cowboy don’t treat him like he was a sister
You can’t **** [I presume “fuck”] with a lady that’s sleepin’ in each cowboy’s head

Cowboys are frequently secretly fond of each other
Say what do you think those all saddles and boots was about
And there’s many a cowboy who don’t understand the way that he feels for his brother
And inside every cowboy there’s a lady who’d love to slip outus

And inside every cowboy there’s a lady that’d love to slip out

You’ll be delighted to learn I’m right now trying to play it on my ukulele.
*Actually, they’re shepherds, I’m reliably informed.